Special Look At Life

December 1998
Every morning, I take time to say my prayers. My family knows that this is the time I take my walk with God. I learned a long time ago that God has a path for everyone, and I walk that path with love, kindness and hope. I also believe in my angels, God’s helpers.

In November of 1991, I had a brain aneurysm. My angels were there that morning, urging me not to go back to sleep. Bob took me to the hospital. After 10 hours of brain surgery, and later a left sided stroke, and a few weeks in the hospital, I came home. My mother, bless her heart, was staying with us and she was so worried about me. She was having trouble with her health and after Christmas she went to the hospital, she passed away January 1st 1992, two months after my brain surgery.

It has now been seven years since my surgery and the following shares some of my perspectives on what happened to me.

My mental limitations have been very difficult to acknowledge and accept. We have all been raised with the need to learn how to develop our physical skills to accomplish something or to complete a task, but how do you learn to think? I walk, talk, and function, but with difficulties. I have had to relearn how to concentrate on the process of thinking. I doubt that many people perceive thinking as a process. We’ve done it since we were babies. I have had to relearn how to concentrate and maintain attention. This continues to be a very frustrating cognitive aspect of my brain injury. I experience a lot of difficulty in comprehending information as it is presented and integrating related information. Sometimes, I get lost in a conversation, and am unable to think it out. I compensate by just listening or pretending to understand, hoping no one catches on. We all have some degree of humility.

When information can not be repeated, this elevates my frustration level. When I watch television, or go to a movie, I have problems following the plot in the story. By the time I figure out in my mind what happened, the next scene is over, and I’m lost. I do enjoy old movies, the ones I saw before my brain injury. My long term memory seems to be normal, it’s my short term memory that continues to cause me problems.

When going to a store or the mall, I write down what door I went into, where I parked, and what I want to buy. I have had some very frustrating moments when I forgot my note pad. I seem to wander and eventually return home. I do drive, and am learning not to panic when I get lost. I tend to drive from point A to B. I don’t wander too far away from home. It took me a long time, before I drove my car, fear of being lost, and the question, was I capable of remembering to do everything correct. I have passed that hurdle, but I’m still going from point A to B.

It has been very frustrating with the amount of time it takes me to accomplish simple tasks, and jobs around the house. I must constantly assess priorities for job accomplishment. I am putting forth my greatest effort possible and it is very frustrating to know that my capabilities now versus what I accomplished before my brain injury are significantly less.

I have a greater perception of our psychological relationship with life. I often times find myself pondering over; how, why and what God’s plans are. My faith has had a lot to do with the healing process of my inner self. Before my brain surgery, I was diagnosed with SLE - Lupus. After my brain surgery, mother passed away, my youngest son, Brian had two disks removed from his back, my husband was sent to Connecticut, our house was in need of a roof, and septic system, my oldest son James fell out of one of our trees and is now a paraplegic. I was coming apart at the seams. I turned it all over to God, and told him I could not handle anymore. I was reminded that this day will pass.

My mother is at peace now. Brian’s back is healed, and he is in college, learning a new trade. My husband is out of the Navy, after serving 20 years. Our septic system and roof are repaired, and James is in college learning a new trade. He is still in a wheelchair, and we all hope that someday soon, he will walk again.

An analogy to this whole ordeal is looking for something that is lost. I’ve been looking for something that I lost and/or an answer now for six years. The toilsome aspect is that it is not physical or materialistic in nature and difficult to relate to or quantify. SHATTERED DREAMS is a true description.

I could accept the disabilities and take the easy way out, however, that would also be selfish on my part. I prefer to be a contributor versus a burden to society. Therefore, I have accepted the cards that have been dealt me. I intend to play this hand and put my best hand forward.

I have been able to make it this far because God has been good to me. Family and Friends play the most important role in the well being of life itself, and I have been blessed with a abundance of sincere love and kindness. My husband has walked with me through this whole ordeal. He has held my hand through my darkest days and nights. He has been gentle, kind, loving, nurturing, and has remained by my side, assuring me that it’s all right. My children, grandchildren and friends nurture me when I need it, and they all seem to know when I’m having a problem day. Every morning when I take My Walk With God, I thank him for giving me the best family and friends anyone could have.
Shirley A. Kilthau

(December 2001 - After a year of battling lung cancer and winning, Shirley went into cardiac tamponade and died. All of those who knew her were especially blessed and will miss her. We will always be influenced by her courage and belief in God and his angels.)